Wednesday, April 26, 2006 | 2:00 AM

Has the past few years of my life been spent doing the same thing? I really cant remember. Have I always been going around just being quiet at times and more extroverted at times? Like when I am doing my work, I demand peace and quiet and such. That if I am with the gang, we can just simply chat about random things and many more. Did I feel just as stressed about people relations or freak out over the smallest things then?

Becuase it appears that this is how my life is right now, and it is very likely that it could have been so for the past few years too. Just that there are so many incidents that I cant remember. And that is this going to be how I am gona live the remainder of my life?

Sometimes you have to wonder about what makes a person live on. I am afraid that one day I will wake up and wonder what I have been doing with my life. That why I am still as unknowledgable about the world as I was, and how there are things which I cant accept, or things that I cant figure out. And do not have the courage to live on.

See, I just may not live past 50.

Arent you suppose to become a better or wiser person as you grow older? Then why cant I live my life as happily or as satisfactorily as I hope I can?

I am so scared one day that I am living a life not of my own. That I still dont have the guts and power to change my life.

That I may step into the society without learning still, how to beef up my armour and not get injured by mere leaves from random trees. I dont want to, at the age of 21, still get upset over little things, because I believe at that point in time, the mental turmoil is likely to be worse, yet reprieve will be even further away.

Do I sound angsty? Whoops. I actually am not right now. Just clearing some thoughts that have been stuck in my head for some time.

So ya better read my lips,

"I-am-not-cynical."

Well, not yet anyway.

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