Monday, March 27, 2006 | 10:20 PM

I am hoping that I would feel some embittered sense of determination to work hard and be consistent in my work now. But all I can muster up currently is some grit to mug even harder for mid years.

Actually, I am not exactly sure what else I am feeling but I believe disappointment should be making up a huge part of it.

But what is scaring me most, ought to be this severe sense of helplessness which seems to have come form nowhere.

Yeah, this is just the the block tests. There is still a long way to go. And the path to univeristy is now littered with weekly threats called class tests, and termly lecture or block tests. And along the way, we wil have to, once again, drop everything and just mug for the tests.

On and on, again and again, we have to sit in freezing LTs, face sleepless nights, battle more powerful sleep demons, fight ourselves in convincing ourselves that everything wil turn out right. Then breathe a sigh of relief as we complete the tests.

Only to gulp down our disappointment, choke down our tears, silently accept all the crticism, and the hardest of all, pick ourselves up, dust ourselves off, and tell ourselves to try harder for the next tests.

To have to keep telling ourselves that our future is still bright, that we still have second chances, cox it is not the A levels. To have to endure again all these silent pep talks, and the dashing of hopes that there is someone out there who will know what to do and say.

What did I mean to talk about?

Oh yar.
Lesson learnt: There are no second chances. So you havent fail the As. Yet. But you still failed something. The block tests lo. That is a failure in itself what. How can I still feed myself the bullshit that I didnt do well but it is okay. Bullshit.

Lesson learnt: So this is how it feels. To not have a certain kind of recognition, or to be unable to see the fruits of your labour, of all the efforts you poured in. I guess I was naive to tell you that you can try harder for the other tests. And that input equals to output. Crap.

I think I am still right that we should be expect as much o/p as the effort we put in. Bee said I am right in tt sense, but she said something worth remembering. "I am tired of the same marks though I know that is representative of what I put in". True.

Lesson starting: I guess I am sorry for being not saying anything when you didnt do well. I dont know what to say, and now, I also dont know what I expect to be spoken to. So many times when as a friend, I think a little concern may have helped, but so many a times, I feared rejection, and worse, that I could be giving false hope.

But something nice happened just now, met Ms Choong in the lib. She may be right. I shall go try that out. But what she essentially did was, for someone akin to a complete stranger, she managed to introduce some hope in me, something which I was not able to do for myself. That was nice.

And yesterday, Shaun helped me changed the orientation of the whole shelf of books when someone else couldnt be bothered to.

Reality is getting harsher. It is easier to just let someone slip and fall of the ladder, or just climb past the person and not offer a hand or some encouragement on your way up. Maybe that is because, the higher up you are, the the more strength you need to help? And frankly, why the hell would I want to waste my energy shouting when I could use it to climb higher? Or even better, pluck off some icicles and fling them down?

Why indeed.

I think I am getting over this so as I typed. It is time to finish that damn DE tutorial now.

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