Sunday, November 19, 2006 | 5:22 AM

I never thought I would never say this.

But I think I very much prefer having my As again, even going through my JC life again than going through my life at this moment.

It is very much like fumbling and stumbling around in a dark tunnel, getting used to the musty stench in it, getting used to the scrapping noise your shoes make as you walk, the smooth velvet blanket of darkness your out-stretched fingers feel.

This enjoyable loneliness and excitement you feel as you embark on a solo journey, the sole sense of anticipation only you can feel. The marching cadence of solidarity you slowly build up.

(I miss the the days where I get the whole house to myself in the morning and at night, the piece of sky outside the windows, sprinkled with clouds in the morning, which are lit up by the sun in the morn and the city's lights in the night.

The quiet beats of the clock, the delicious scent of the night with a smoky car exhaust undertone enhanced by the infusion of rain.)

All the while keeping your eye on this little beam, strong, but a thin beam of light it is, as you move forward.

And without your noticing, the beam grows steadily in size, and in intensity. Till that one day, just when you were about to be blinded by it, your one footstep makes one last scruff on the tunnel's rough floor...

... and you find yourself on smooth tiles, shoes squeaking. The beam fades to a warm glow, the sound of emptiness now echoes in your ears. You took a hesitant breath, exhilaration building, senses heightening, the colours in your head getting rapidly vibrant, expanding, as your freedom sinks in.

But gradually, the colours in your head combined, distorted themselvs into white noise. You see much, too much. There are too many things to do, too soon, too urgent. What happened to the sole single mindedness you once can adopt?

I want to run backto my tunnel. So what if I have money?

Oh right. A lot of things. Money to pay off my debt for instance, to make myself even barely presentable for prom. To buy presents. To pay for all my expenses.

Oh, and to buy myself a ticket to escape from my past too.

What more do I wish for this Christmas?

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