Monday, March 20, 2006 | 10:10 PM

Saturday was fun. And that was in spite of nearly reaching full fledged paronoia about the time not spent on studying for block tests.(Full fledged paranoia is said to be attained when you can hear virtual clocks ticking away in your head, and imaginary sand running down the hourglass, and see pages and words flying of pages of your lecture notes and diffusing into the air)

It is interesting to note how I behave when I am back in Andss as compared to whenI am in NY. Maybe this is because these two places represent two very different environments ba, so I behave differently. Having said that, it felt a little uncomfortable slipping back into an Andersonian mk. After having been away from it all for so long, feeling what I did was indeed refreshing, yet a little painful. After all, it is something like a tantalizing glimpse of life of the past. Like you were offered just a little bit of the candy, then you are not allowed another bite of it anymore.

And I have forgotten so much of my past mannerisms, I would like to think that I did pick up some new ones in NY. But somehow, all of them feels like an essential part of me. I wont say that behaving like the old me now, is putting up an act. I recall something I wrote before, "It was never gone, just buried and forgotten"

And speaking of forgetting, I have indeed been incapable of dredging up certain happy memories I had in NY. But more about that later. I can see this is gona be one long entry, withthe sole intent of getting every damn thing out of my mind.

Actually ah, I am thinking that Saturday deserves an entry on its own, simply because it doesnt deserve to be in the same place as all those dark thoughts I am going to put down. Aha, and this shall be why I will be posting the Sat photos later.

Hmm, it appears thatI have survived in NY as an individual for a grand total of 1 year, 2 months and 21 days. In the sense that, no longer do I have someone beside me in whatever I do. And I think, there were thoughts which I used to verbalise which now seem to have been integrated into a mental dialogue in my head.

And there were a lot of choices I had to make on my own without asking anyone who knows me well enough to point out the implications, or consequences, or give me the encouragement or a little verbal shove when I need it. And of course, I think the same may goes for yj? Which leads me to wonder.. Sometimes, I do think, have I been as good a friend to yj as she has been to me? Or to anyone else for the matter? it is just that, after reading her entries (which appears to have been spurred by someone's else's entry), I realise that they are a lot of things I did and is mist likely to still take for granted. And somehow, no mater that we have lost it, we dont seem to look for it back. Circumstances?

Like zombies perhaps? You can slash off their hands but they can keep moving till, I dont know, you chop their heads off or something? And after meeting her on Sat, do I realise how badly I am missing life as one half of the twintower. That sounded a little wierd. But what I think I missed was the constant pressence of someone who truly understands you, and to a very large extent, tolerates your idiosyncracies. Or if you are very lucky, like me, your idiosycracies are a good match. I think yj described me a the fire while she was the stone. And there was this sense of security of knowing that there is someone there for you.

Okay, this sounds like some whining entry or something, but actually, I think we all have to accept JC life. The whole point is that, I dont feel this in JC life. And I am very afraid it is going to be increasingly so as life goes on. Is this the point in time when we have to "grow up" and face the so-called damn reality? That eventually, we are all going to be distant from one another simply because adults dont share their lives and spend their times together unless they are a couple or married or something? Actually, we may already have experienced this loss of quality time with people we love (eg family and friends). As evidenced by our weakening ties with our parents.

Growing up apart happens to both parties at the same time as you see in friends, (not to be confused with growing apart), means that both you and your friend are growing up but you are not a fixture in each other's process. At this point in time, we indeed can see the loss in quality time. Eg. Diff schs, class, ccas. (Come to think of it, I was lucky :D we were in the same class and cca) so from the 6+ hrs a day we spent together, we spend like 2hrs a week.

Well, actually, what we may not notice is that we have gone through this before, and is going through this still. Which is the loss of time with parents. From 24 hrs a day when we were young, to losing more and more hours to school and everything, we are losing contact with our parents too. And all these loss of time with our family and close friends reflects the gradual dissociation of a person from one other. Or does it?

Do we have to go through our lives making friends and having friendships which will not have enough time to mature? Why cant we just stick with the older ones? What an interesting question. I am tired now, yet I still have loads of questions to ask.

I shall have to take more time and savour and treasure each and every moment , with mum and dad, I guess. And whip out a little more patience so that I can be as good a sis to my bro as he has been as good (sometimes) a brother he ahs been to me. And, to dedicate a little more time to think about the gang, and do smthg abt it (hah), and... be a little more.. this I dont know... in my ny life..

I shall go crash now. Hopefully waking up would mean power mugging for physics. ThenI can show Mrs Chan ( and Mr Haniss) that my giving up econs shall not be in futility.

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