Tuesday, March 28, 2006 | 6:15 AM

Okay, I am over it now.

It is so not fun to see reflections everywhere.

So I want to be faster and climb back up the ladder again. Maybe it will be an escalator this time, so we can all chat and slack our way yeah?

Took me 1 hr + to typed out my essay. ZR lied. He said it would take 20 mins.

Word count: 1,152.

This makes me type at... 0.32 words per sec... 1.9+ words per minute. Thank god I write faster than I type.

I got over it but my DE tut remains undone. Sheeeeeet.

|

Monday, March 27, 2006 | 10:20 PM

I am hoping that I would feel some embittered sense of determination to work hard and be consistent in my work now. But all I can muster up currently is some grit to mug even harder for mid years.

Actually, I am not exactly sure what else I am feeling but I believe disappointment should be making up a huge part of it.

But what is scaring me most, ought to be this severe sense of helplessness which seems to have come form nowhere.

Yeah, this is just the the block tests. There is still a long way to go. And the path to univeristy is now littered with weekly threats called class tests, and termly lecture or block tests. And along the way, we wil have to, once again, drop everything and just mug for the tests.

On and on, again and again, we have to sit in freezing LTs, face sleepless nights, battle more powerful sleep demons, fight ourselves in convincing ourselves that everything wil turn out right. Then breathe a sigh of relief as we complete the tests.

Only to gulp down our disappointment, choke down our tears, silently accept all the crticism, and the hardest of all, pick ourselves up, dust ourselves off, and tell ourselves to try harder for the next tests.

To have to keep telling ourselves that our future is still bright, that we still have second chances, cox it is not the A levels. To have to endure again all these silent pep talks, and the dashing of hopes that there is someone out there who will know what to do and say.

What did I mean to talk about?

Oh yar.
Lesson learnt: There are no second chances. So you havent fail the As. Yet. But you still failed something. The block tests lo. That is a failure in itself what. How can I still feed myself the bullshit that I didnt do well but it is okay. Bullshit.

Lesson learnt: So this is how it feels. To not have a certain kind of recognition, or to be unable to see the fruits of your labour, of all the efforts you poured in. I guess I was naive to tell you that you can try harder for the other tests. And that input equals to output. Crap.

I think I am still right that we should be expect as much o/p as the effort we put in. Bee said I am right in tt sense, but she said something worth remembering. "I am tired of the same marks though I know that is representative of what I put in". True.

Lesson starting: I guess I am sorry for being not saying anything when you didnt do well. I dont know what to say, and now, I also dont know what I expect to be spoken to. So many times when as a friend, I think a little concern may have helped, but so many a times, I feared rejection, and worse, that I could be giving false hope.

But something nice happened just now, met Ms Choong in the lib. She may be right. I shall go try that out. But what she essentially did was, for someone akin to a complete stranger, she managed to introduce some hope in me, something which I was not able to do for myself. That was nice.

And yesterday, Shaun helped me changed the orientation of the whole shelf of books when someone else couldnt be bothered to.

Reality is getting harsher. It is easier to just let someone slip and fall of the ladder, or just climb past the person and not offer a hand or some encouragement on your way up. Maybe that is because, the higher up you are, the the more strength you need to help? And frankly, why the hell would I want to waste my energy shouting when I could use it to climb higher? Or even better, pluck off some icicles and fling them down?

Why indeed.

I think I am getting over this so as I typed. It is time to finish that damn DE tutorial now.

|

Thursday, March 23, 2006 | 6:48 AM

Finally, block tests are over.

So here's a post mortem.

GP: I am amazed that it took me one try to finish writing the essay. Even had time to write conclusion cox I was stubbornly refusing to write 3 main points for the essay. In the end, it was a compromise and I wrote 2.5. Compre was not that happy an affair though. The dear GP department chose at that particular moment to unleash 2 texts with egards to the wordl's 2 least favourite topics of the moment. Multiculturalism (check out today's news 23.3.06, I think somewhere in the pg 30 of review-it was about multiculturalism in certain countries, it is so spooky, the coincidence) and Australia. The views were kinda polarised though.. And I am doomed for failure.. If I didnt recall wrongly, my word count for the cummary is.. 140+ .. All is not good...

Math: Wahaha. Trigo is a definite goner, so is vectors. I had what, root 145plus some other fractions.. Think I calculated the obtuse angle, or so I am told.. Still, I am hoping for a B on that one.. On second thoughts, with the amount of marks I have lost, let's just pray hard for a pass. Damn.

Chemistry: Benzene compounds galore. Freak ah. I guess I am glad I gave Ionic eqmb lesser priority. Still, I think it should be more or less okay ba.. I KNEW IT! Must study hydrolysis of nitriles. I can almost hear Mr Wan smirking at our answers as he strikes a big red cross against our answers. Which brings to mind the interesting notions that quite a few teachers seem to take sadistic pleasure in savouring the moment of crossing out our answers with a red ink pen. I would enjoy it too, if given the chance. Or maybe it is not esctacy they are feeling.. Maybe it is pure anger.. Whee!!

Physics: Doomed to failure from the start. The consequences of not printing that damn formula list for us: Students squiting their eyes out to see the formulas. I had the charge of an electron to a power which is 10^3 times smaller of the actual value. Wah... Oh I had the joy in discovering a fellow slacker at around 9 pm on Wed. Jamie called and we both were marvelling at the dismal resmblance our attempts to study had. We both just finished superposition, skipped temperature and thermal properties, and were staring at topic 17 and 18. It would have been funny for both of us if not for the fact that that meant we only studied 1 topic out of the 9 tested with less than 10 hrs left to the test.

Wahahaha. I cant wait for the results to be out.

|

Monday, March 20, 2006 | 10:10 PM

Saturday was fun. And that was in spite of nearly reaching full fledged paronoia about the time not spent on studying for block tests.(Full fledged paranoia is said to be attained when you can hear virtual clocks ticking away in your head, and imaginary sand running down the hourglass, and see pages and words flying of pages of your lecture notes and diffusing into the air)

It is interesting to note how I behave when I am back in Andss as compared to whenI am in NY. Maybe this is because these two places represent two very different environments ba, so I behave differently. Having said that, it felt a little uncomfortable slipping back into an Andersonian mk. After having been away from it all for so long, feeling what I did was indeed refreshing, yet a little painful. After all, it is something like a tantalizing glimpse of life of the past. Like you were offered just a little bit of the candy, then you are not allowed another bite of it anymore.

And I have forgotten so much of my past mannerisms, I would like to think that I did pick up some new ones in NY. But somehow, all of them feels like an essential part of me. I wont say that behaving like the old me now, is putting up an act. I recall something I wrote before, "It was never gone, just buried and forgotten"

And speaking of forgetting, I have indeed been incapable of dredging up certain happy memories I had in NY. But more about that later. I can see this is gona be one long entry, withthe sole intent of getting every damn thing out of my mind.

Actually ah, I am thinking that Saturday deserves an entry on its own, simply because it doesnt deserve to be in the same place as all those dark thoughts I am going to put down. Aha, and this shall be why I will be posting the Sat photos later.

Hmm, it appears thatI have survived in NY as an individual for a grand total of 1 year, 2 months and 21 days. In the sense that, no longer do I have someone beside me in whatever I do. And I think, there were thoughts which I used to verbalise which now seem to have been integrated into a mental dialogue in my head.

And there were a lot of choices I had to make on my own without asking anyone who knows me well enough to point out the implications, or consequences, or give me the encouragement or a little verbal shove when I need it. And of course, I think the same may goes for yj? Which leads me to wonder.. Sometimes, I do think, have I been as good a friend to yj as she has been to me? Or to anyone else for the matter? it is just that, after reading her entries (which appears to have been spurred by someone's else's entry), I realise that they are a lot of things I did and is mist likely to still take for granted. And somehow, no mater that we have lost it, we dont seem to look for it back. Circumstances?

Like zombies perhaps? You can slash off their hands but they can keep moving till, I dont know, you chop their heads off or something? And after meeting her on Sat, do I realise how badly I am missing life as one half of the twintower. That sounded a little wierd. But what I think I missed was the constant pressence of someone who truly understands you, and to a very large extent, tolerates your idiosyncracies. Or if you are very lucky, like me, your idiosycracies are a good match. I think yj described me a the fire while she was the stone. And there was this sense of security of knowing that there is someone there for you.

Okay, this sounds like some whining entry or something, but actually, I think we all have to accept JC life. The whole point is that, I dont feel this in JC life. And I am very afraid it is going to be increasingly so as life goes on. Is this the point in time when we have to "grow up" and face the so-called damn reality? That eventually, we are all going to be distant from one another simply because adults dont share their lives and spend their times together unless they are a couple or married or something? Actually, we may already have experienced this loss of quality time with people we love (eg family and friends). As evidenced by our weakening ties with our parents.

Growing up apart happens to both parties at the same time as you see in friends, (not to be confused with growing apart), means that both you and your friend are growing up but you are not a fixture in each other's process. At this point in time, we indeed can see the loss in quality time. Eg. Diff schs, class, ccas. (Come to think of it, I was lucky :D we were in the same class and cca) so from the 6+ hrs a day we spent together, we spend like 2hrs a week.

Well, actually, what we may not notice is that we have gone through this before, and is going through this still. Which is the loss of time with parents. From 24 hrs a day when we were young, to losing more and more hours to school and everything, we are losing contact with our parents too. And all these loss of time with our family and close friends reflects the gradual dissociation of a person from one other. Or does it?

Do we have to go through our lives making friends and having friendships which will not have enough time to mature? Why cant we just stick with the older ones? What an interesting question. I am tired now, yet I still have loads of questions to ask.

I shall have to take more time and savour and treasure each and every moment , with mum and dad, I guess. And whip out a little more patience so that I can be as good a sis to my bro as he has been as good (sometimes) a brother he ahs been to me. And, to dedicate a little more time to think about the gang, and do smthg abt it (hah), and... be a little more.. this I dont know... in my ny life..

I shall go crash now. Hopefully waking up would mean power mugging for physics. ThenI can show Mrs Chan ( and Mr Haniss) that my giving up econs shall not be in futility.

|

| 9:52 PM

The sky was a sonorous hue of grey, tinged with echoes of black and white yesterday. And it is so again today.

Instead of the faded milky white pallour it always get on evenings of cloudy days. During those times, the sky fades to a colour that has been described to be of the shade of a fish's underbelly. Yet what I see, is the whites of the fish's glassy eyes, the twin mirrors of death.

I do hate going home near evenings.

The sky opened up halfway into my journey home yesterday. And torrents of rain slid evenly down the windows. So much so that the whole bus's interior looked like a giant ice cube slipping down the roads, with 4 crystalline walls.

And for a moment, it felt as if the whole bus load of people were standing in a hollow cuboid ice block and we were zooming down the sleet covered slope past the traffic lights.

It was a magical ride home.

|

| 2:07 AM

What I loved most that day?

Being on the other side of the stage.

And being spotlight- burnt. (if it is even possible)

Dizzying colours swimming around in orange glow.

Love indeed.

|

Friday, March 17, 2006 | 7:16 AM

I am loved =) Bwahaha.. I think yj is loved too!

Muahaha, ( to jas) such an unsophiscated post right?

Love you babe =D

|

| 6:43 AM

Wandering inhabitant of AMK #0193


Some unfriendly cow near my grandma's hse.

Macritchie reservoir inhabitant #12753

Pet bird #1


Grandma's cat

Just because.

|

Wednesday, March 15, 2006 | 1:35 AM

Lousy me. Been procrastinating for two bloody days to go down to find out how to solve the 2 damned math questions, and to find ut if there is any direct conversion for methylbenzene into benzoic acid. Yarh, call me dumb la but at this point in time, I am too frustrated to coherently think of an answer.

Suddenly got struck by the giant amount of inertia I am facing to get my ass down to school to tell Mr Haniss that I dropped Econs. Well, not that he wouldnt have known. If I am saying that I droppED econs, that would have meant he had signed the form already right? If not, I would have to say I am droppING econs.

I think I know the causes to my frustration and crabby mood.

I knew who won the 5th cycle of ANTM.

And I am not happy. Shit! I shouldnt have checked that damn website! And damndamndamn! Give Kim back!

Speaking of Kim, Khim got booted out too.

Shoot, there is econs consultation tmr. And I havent started on physics.

Whatever. There, I am feeling better now. I think being able to identify root of anger takes away about 50% of the anger I feel. Hmm, maybe I should improve on this. It would save me a lot of energy stomping around with a thunder cloud above my head and generally infecting everyone in the vinicity with my bad mood. Gahhhh. The heat is killing me, see, I should get my ass to school cox there is air conditioning.

And I want my kickboxing and aerobics lessons. I miss Ms Ong. And bball matches.

|

Sunday, March 12, 2006 | 2:33 AM

It was another hot, stifling afternoon where all you want to do, is to sleep the day away...
Where the heat is so overwhelming, that they mute sun, and suck up all the colour.

Such dry, boring, dull splendour of a Sunday afternoon is so memorable that it just feels like yet another day in your life which has nothing worth remembering about.

Only in your dreams shall you find the elusive piece of happy memory.

|

Saturday, March 11, 2006 | 8:18 AM

Little rainbow that lit up my day.

Dropping econs.

After all, rainbows dont appear unless there is rain.

It was a pretty surreal moment. At first, the sentence which struck me the hardest was

"You are tired already."

And how true indeed. I am tired of losing my battles with the sleep demon in LTs. And having the damn bad luck and in some way, audacity to just nod off during tutorials. Sick of not being able to ask the questions which I will ask had I been able to pay attention with regards to a deeper content, instead of thinking of asking stupid questions like, "What did the teacher said just now ah? " I am tired.

But despite all the fatigue, I was actually tempted by the promise of jumping 2 grades for Econs to want to continue with it. Apparently, that is kinda the norm for most subs la. But still.. I recall that I approached Mr Haniss with Kelv who promptly dropped the sub with 2 days afetr the discussion. He was sure of what he wanted. Yet I clung on, in hopes of surviving till block tests. Hmm... So despite all the sudden loss of control over my tear ducts during the math tutorial and everything, life brightened after a while and now, I am kinda in this happy mode.

But.. Like what Ali said, which Dz agreed (though I think it applies more for him than me) he didnt want to drop econs because I think, it was coz he thought he wld be letting Mr Haniss down.. I still feel kinda bad la. I nspite of all those "Wah, left 14 ah.. Shiok man!" I think the phrase which reflects his true sentiments would be the one he said to Doreen, "Thank you for not giving up on Econs. " Sigh.

A crazy thought. How do lecturers feel when they see this student falling asleep in front of them? From my side (the particiapnt) of the match against the sleep demon, it is a damn shitty and horrible feeling. I wonder if they see floating phantoms attacking the students above their heads? Or maybe phantom student v.s demon with swords and sabres drawn, hacking at each other? Or maybe like some texan shoot out? Maybe they are too busy to notice... Oh well..

|

Tuesday, March 07, 2006 | 3:39 AM

To yj: Wahaha, that was in pri sch and there was one damn good reason why I have stopped doing it: I got suaned by the teacher so much, as in those mean kind (like what I do to elvin), so I went home and told my mum. My mum first caned me for being so rude to a teacher ( and based on my hazy memory, I shall attempt a weak defence and say that I wasnt rude, the teacher was just pissed that I interuppted her, .. ok la, I was kinda disrespectful I guess..).

After caning me, the next day, she dragged me to the principal office to complain about the teacher's behavior to the prinicpal. The whole thing turned into a saga when a cane-marks- streaked mk burst into tears in front of the P and VP while describing the event, who then reassured my mum that they will look into the matter.

The following lesson, we spent the whole hour going over homework.

Well, never knew I had such an exciting life right? Haha, this is why I think only kids and brats at that age get away with this type of crap. I think I am really lucky to be blessed with good teachs from sec sch till JC ba. And yes, Tom Tan is ok ( I can hear Jas gnashing her teeth and u snorting already =P) Hahaha..

Anyway, life has been bloody hectic. Before I forget, I CUT MY HAIR!! By my standards, it is like freaking short right now. And I feel so light headed! So this is how a bimbo feels every day, being brainless and all. =P Whoops. It was supposed to be short till I cant tie it up, but the auntie said I wont be used to it, plus I kinda chickened out and tell her to leave it longer. Wahaha..

CCA bazaar tmr. Whoo!! Shall go and slack a while before.. doing homework. Joy. Harhar. =)

|

Friday, March 03, 2006 | 6:57 PM

Saturday news are wider in scope and more in depth as compared to news on other days. Perhaps the reason so is because out of the 2 days on weekends, people are most likely to have the time and preference to read world news and issues of a greater info volume on Sat because Sun is supposed to be fun and lighthearted or something like that. And I would say ST, for this matter, has its finger on the pulse of the readers.

This also makes, reading the news on Sat, almost a GP lesson event. And of course, after reading about all those issues around the world, be them political, physical, geographical, economical or even medical in the World section, you look at the Home section, and sometimes, it just feels so wierd. Like, dont we have something more important to talk about other than some trival issues? But of course, not all issues are trival, and almost definitely, those little issues make up the tiny details of our everyday life. Like for eg, catching a snatch thief etc, those kind of things. You dont see it in the World news about other countries having a snatchthief or something. Hah.

I recall there was this article from a former editor or current editor of the ST who mentioned about the balancing act newspapers have to do in the content they put in the papers, and I recall thnking that it is not easy to have so much reliable and varied information available. And I feel that not being able to have access to such info does limit one's scope of thinking. I still think that having accurate info, whether they are of use or not, is useful.

Anyway, a short summary of the issues that caught my interest before I finish up my reading and head back to completing my work.

First, a dead cat has been discovered to have the deadly H5N1 virus. While apparently it has been known for almost 2 years that cats are susceptible to catching the virus, this is the first reported case. The form of transmission to cats is from the eating of infected birds. Duh.

Hmm, another article would be the summary of the world's news. So much things happening, yet I am worrying about the A levels. Speaking of which, life is speeding up now. Teachers have been hinting of sweeping changes which, well, are supposed to make us responsible students of NY who will not drag down the school's ranking. Oh, that makes us responsible students of NY?

Still, I do accept those changes. I just have a problem with how such stuff and intentions are expressed. It sort of freaks me out to see how some staff (and thats does not refer to just teachers) are being enthusiastic advocates of the chanhes and consequences. Maybe it is with the intention that the obtuse students will wake up and start studying after hearing in-your-face death predictions.

Well, having to hear your death prediction every tutorial for the past month is getting irritating. And that, "If you dont want to do then drop it lorh!!" is not helping the studying mood of the lessons, teacher dear. Yes, I dislike that unproductivity. It brings to mind what happened when I told a teacher that she had been talking for 15 mins about some "what will happen to you if you fail your exams" stuff and she was being unhelpful by saying shit like you will become a roadsweeper and toilet cleaner stuff.

First, I detest the stereotype, 2nd, you are helping us on our way to becoming those" roadsweepers" by not going over that damn worksheet. I think I will get over this la. It is just that we used to be able to complete some tuts much faster even with all questions covered. And it was with the endorsement by someone that I trusted the person. Bah.

I dont mind all these changes if they will help me get better grades and stuff. These changes only make it easier for me to help myself do better. They do not directly make me get better grades. I would hate to have to depend on the school to perform well because I believe that it all comes from within.

Which brings to mind ( my thoughts are running gamut), I am feeling this need to be less dependent for help on things I can do. I mean, this has always been like that for me, and I am not afraid to seek help when I need it, but.. There is this feeling of not wanting to accept token __ anymore. I am not sure what exactly is that something, or what is so token about it, but.. Oh well.

Last update, bro got posted to SA and is switching over to NYP. Yup. Erm.. Forgot what I had wanted to talk about that matter le. Oh well. Good day to all =)

|

Thursday, March 02, 2006 | 4:05 AM

I think this is like the first time I am doing such stuff, and it is kinda wierd. Plus I peeked at jas' and yj's answers and I am almost sure my answers are gona be smthg along the lines of theirs. Whoops =) Anyway, shall dash this off the top of my head, you know, one of those impulse things.

"The tagged victim has to come up with 8 different points of their perfect lover. Need to mention the sex of the target. Tag 8 victims to join this game & leave a comment on their page saying they've been tagged. If tagged the 2nd time, theres no need to post again."

Sex: M ( for money-ed!!)

1. Possess some self awareness and sensitivity. (no el*** g**)

2. Responsible (If you ate the last cookie, make sure you be a man, 'fess up, and buy more next time!!!)

3. Instinctive (I dont know what made me say that)

4. Erm... talented? Or in the very least, possess some hobbies, qualities. (Is this some form of discrimination??)

5. Eh, experimental or creative ba. (I say I want to take the roller coaster and I dont care if you are scared of heights!) You can tell the difference between teal and blue-green right?

6. Honest. (Does that pair of jeans make me look fat?

7. I am running out of time, and ideas. Hmm, a sense of humour. (Honey, you know what I said about wanting 10kg of dark chocolate for my birthday cake? I was just boasting for my colleagues' sake... Hahaha, I hope u didnt take it too seriously)

8. Last of all, erm... must like 5566 too... MwaHAHAahah!~

Hahaha, I think lack of sleep is making me mad. Maybe I will look back at this and laugh.

|