Thursday, January 05, 2006 | 3:18 AM

Everything is finally set into motion for the selection for a new class commitee, expecially the CT postions, though Mrs Chan's intentions was to retain the CT, welfare and CIP postions. Feeling kind of liberated, not exactly because I have stopped being a rep or anything. I do want to continue, if the class allows me to , and if, everyone is willing to play their parts, especially the commitee. But as I said, there are better people who would make better reps.

I am feeling freer because finally everyone is forced to take a good hard look at the CT rep's job scope and everyone's expectations of a CT rep. What is left unmentioned, or set in motion to be mentioned, however, are the rep's expectations of everyone else whom they are working with, and expectations towards the class. We now also have to acknowledge the lack of unity in our class which some people are comfortable with, and some who are not.

I have wondered how do people see the CT reps. As 2 individuals or twin reps or smthg. This is a pretty important question, because we both actually have rather different thinking and I don't think I have done my part well in being a good colleague to Doreen, and identifying and taking on certain aspect of the roles of the CT reps which are to our own strengths. In my partnership with Doreen, it have been clear to me, and to Bee Hua who said she had noticed, that we both think and work differently, and I think I have to take some responsibilty fornot succeeding in making us work more efficiently and better together. While things may have worked out in the end, people who are part of the process should very well know that things never work out perfectly. I also want to say that also is that there is a lack of a communication channel where we can communicate to the class as CT reps, and to let them understand certain things from our points of view, and to let them communicate their expectations, or feedback.

It is also this lack of communication which makes me feel very insecure and judged upon. Due to imperfect knowledge, people have no idea why we do certain things sometimes, and why certain things never take place, and I sometimes sacrifice some of the obligations which I think the class should have performed, such as the getting the class to thank the teachers, simply because, no one had signalled if they mind , and if they are capable of doing it everytime lessons end. And, itis my fault that I never dared to ask. I am grateful in this case, to Peck Hor, for he has shown by self example, that it should have been done. I had been worrying if the class would mind, and dreaded the reluctance and inertia I was so afraid to find myself receiving. because my class isn't exactly famed for our enthusiasm, or rather, willingness to do such things. Is it an excuse? I think in some way, it may very well have been exploited by me as one.

I really do feel a sense of pressure as the CT rep because of certain expectations certain people
I think, have of me. I do compare myself against some people whom I think are good leaders, and this is why I told Mrs Chan, I think that there are bettter candidates for the job. I do have to say, I know I can never change myself so that I can be like some of those qualities which I think the candidates separately have. Their qualities fit more of the requirements for the leader s6ye needs that whatever properties, I wouldnt even call them qualities, I have.

There are unrealistic expectations which we could have dealt with, my own, and others'. One which is the full particpation, not attendance f.y.i, for, or even replies to inquiries sent by sms. It is time that we know that everyone has different preferences for leisurely activities and for class outings, people generally do not feel obligated to turn up, be it for reasons such as "I don't like that activity, "I don't like ceratin people", "I don't feel the need/want to bond with my class" etc. Come on, people who think this way do exist. And justifiably, we cant force our demands that people turn up. As Dezhi who had explained to me, it could just be the reason that people are comfortable with the class being the way it is now, or that at tertiary education levels, we are more invidualistic, or indepedent now. "Classmates" do not have to be interdependent, or dependent on each other to perform the duties of a "friend". Meaning, they could find more joy with other friends outside of the class, which is perfectly reasonable.

Anyone who has organized class/cca/group activities should know. It is not easy. What with everyone preferring to do their own stuff, and having other commitments, plus not knowing each other that well. I have learnt not to expect full agreement on what to do, and I think, Zirong might have learnt too, that, even by using the CT reps' "influence", it wont make the whole class turn up. Becuase, CT rep or not, having no clear idea on what to do and suggesting the class lend their support, won't work out. Which brings me to another point. Outings, are not CT reps to initiate only. Anyone who has an idea, can suggest or organize. If you want something, bring it up to discuss. Because, we have just as much idea as you do on what we can do as a class. We honestly cant think of anything perfect enough, so really, we need help. Go on, stand in our shoes and take a look at figuring out an activity to do as a class besides studying.

This doesn't mean I am against class outings or am trying to justify where there are so few. I come from a class which has its own cliques where class outings are just as infrequent as s6aye, where people generally do not interact much or in that much depth. But I belong to a cca where unity and bonds are much treasured and needed. My CCA needs a certain level of bonding to work together as we are playing the same piece of music, we need the mo4 qi4. So yes, there isn't a fixed protocol, a certain standard to which classes must behave as, and I think everyone should recognise that. And then, maybe we can accept that activities will never be fully embraced. I think we can, however, do be there to provide full support. By turning up, or even better, actively participating or helping out. It is alot more illuminating one's intentions can be, by observing what they do when they have turned up. I think Weiss recognised a very good point, that one can contribute as a member of the class, and that is what me and Doreen has been hoping from everyone all along. A little support, and help.

I have enjoyed being a rep though I think I seemed to have made it sound like it is horrible, but it hasn't been bad. Most of the time we spend as a class is to study actually. I am thinking it is just time to voice out what some of the stuff i have been thinking about throughout the whole year thats all. I believe that those things listed happen to all classes, it is not just s6aye which has such things happening. It may be that I am oversensitive to whatever signals I receive form my classmates to make me think that s6aye is in deep peril or that I am being criticized or judged that harshly. Amid all these stuff which obsturct one's search for inner peace, are a lot of little events, gesteurs and stories that make me thankful I belong to s6aye. I think they form some of the really good memories for 2005. There are still alot of things I have learnt but I think I shall record them down another time. All in all, those are just lessons hich every leader has to learn, and at this point in writing, I would say that spending a year to learn and experience all this, I am content to have reached where I am. While it may seem as if we haven't done much, I can honestly say, for both me and Doreen, it had been quite a lot.

I did request Mrs Chan to mention some expectations of the job scopes of various commitee posts next week and hopefully, everyone would have a clearer idea of each person's post. Vanessa's class did something interesting, they exchanged the posts so everyone can try their hand at something new. Feeling anticipation at how s6aye wld turn out now. Hmm, this is an interseting feeling. Admittedly both me and Doreen do want to continue being the reps, but Doreen said smthg which is true. She said that it is time to give other people an opportunity to experience what we had, and this being said, I actually am beginning to think she is right. Maybe we can both take some other posts or something but that is for the class to decide. Meanwhile, I do realise this is sounding more and more like a farewell or eulogy. Haha, actually, I think I am lagging, most people do thier reflections by December. Oh well.

Gah, look at the time! My externality report!!

|